Cooking For Morons

Which was apparently published on the Serenity website back in 2006 or so, and is now apparently very very hard to find on the internet. But I found it. Not in PDF, but still.

Mudder’s Milk
A specialty from Canton on the outer planet called Higgin’s Moon – where mud is a major export. Mudding’s hard work and this potable is sure to satisfy – all the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma’s best turkey dinner. The ancient Egyptians, back on Earth-That-Was used a similar form of beer that they fed the slaves to build their pyramids. It’s liquid bread. Kept them from starving and knocked them out at night so they wouldn’t be inclined to insurrection. Jayne is a fan of the concoction but it is definitely not to Wash’s liking. In Canton is appropriate to raise a toast to the Mudders before downing a glass.

3 “High Protein” Tiger’s Milk bars
1/3 c. unmilled, or Irish, oatmeal
1 c. sarsaparilla (unspiced, unless you are brave)
1/3 c. of the sarsaparilla (for later)
2 bottles of root beer
1 bottle of Yoo-hoo

[1.] Unwrap and cut Tiger’s Milk bars into “pinkie-width” pieces. Put pieces and oatmeal
into bowl with sarsaparilla and stir. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
[2.] Once sarsaparilla and bits are soaked overnight, take one bottle of root beer and
pour into saucepan.
[3.] Heat to a simmer. Pour in contents of soaking bowl. Bring back to simmer, stirring
until Tiger’s Milk bits soften. Take off heat. Pour in second root beer.
[4.] When lukewarm to the touch, pour into blender and purée until smooth. Refrigerate
for at least three hours.
[5.] To serve, pour in Yoo-hoo, stir lightly, and pour into glasses. Serves three curious
individuals, two nutty drunks, or one bloody nutter of a Reaver, who will ask for seconds…

Lucky Shepherd Cookies
Shepherd Book keeps all situations in perspective and is guided by his faith. He has dedicated his life to assisting those less fortunate and down on their luck. That’s why these fortune cookies are named after him.

1 egg white
1/8 tsp. vanilla extract
1/4 c. unbleached all-purpose flour
1/4 c. white sugar
Pinch of salt

[1.] Pre-heat oven to 400˚ F. and butter cookie sheet.
[2.] Write favorite Shepherd quotes on strips of paper about 4 inches long and 1/2 inch
wide. For example: “Lord, I’m walking your way. Let me in, for my feet are sore and my
clothes are ragged.” Or: “Forgive what You can, and send me on my path. I will walk on,
until You bid me rest.”
[3.] Beat egg white and vanilla until foamy.
[4.] Sift the flour, salt, sugar & then fold in the egg white mixture.
[5.] Place tsp. of batter at least 3” apart on cookie sheet. Lean the sheet to move the
batter into round shapes.
[6.] Bake for 5 minutes or until cookie has turned a golden color around the outer edge
of the cookie. The center will stay light in color.
[7.] Take from oven and quickly move cookie with a wide spatula and place upside down
on a wooden board. Place the fortune on the cookie, close to the middle and fold the
cookie in half. Place the folded edge across the rim of a cup and pull the pointed edges
down, one on the inside of the cup and one on the outside. Place folded cookies into egg cartons to hold shape.

Mystery Meal
Shepherd Book is an excellent cook and was able to make do with the limited rations on
Serenity. But there was the time River mischievously peeled the labels off some off the
canned goods. On opening the cans Book found himself with: pineapple pieces, corn
kernels, crushed tomatoes, and corned beef. Not a bad mix really. Luckily the kitchen was stocked with plenty of herbs and spices, so Kaylee and the Shepherd got creative and made a delicious meal. From the pantry they added:

½ onion (there’s always one of these in the cupboards)
2 cloves of garlic
Pinch of dried chili flakes
1 tbs. olive oil

[1.] Fry onion, garlic and chili in oil until onion is soft.
[2.] Add diced corned beef and cook until lightly browned.
[3.] Add tomatoes, drained corn and pineapple.
[4.] Bring to a boil and then simmer for 5 minutes.
[5.] The result was served with protein pasta and a (silent!) prayer of thanks that the
last tin didn’t contain sardines (or whatever each person’s particular tinned protein horror might be). Serves one grateful and satisfied Firefly crew.

Li Shen’s Protein Noodle Laksa
This is an adaptation of an Earth-That-Was traditional soupy-noodle recipe. Laksa means 10,000 – referring to the many spices included in the traditional version. Since spices aren’t always easy to get (and sometimes they taste funny), Laksa now mostly refers to the number of variations you will get when attempting to add some palatable flavor to the dish. One thing is sure –whatever it lacks in taste it makes up for in good old protein. Former host to the crew, Li Shen makes a particularly nice dish – here’s his recipe:

1 c. protein bar powder
1 1/4 c. natural coagulant
(corn flour or preferably glycerin - or for the desperate, ionized and depleted drive
plasma)
2 c. water (or equivalent)
1/8 c. salt
4 c. water
Mixed spices

[1.] To Make Noodles:
In a large bowl mix protein powder, water, coagulant and pinch of salt or safe attainable
equivalent. Place in saucepan or metallic helmet and heat over medium heat until mix
begins to bubble, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Use pliers to quickly pinch out
strips and place the strips to set on moist cloth. Repeat until you have desired amount of noodles.
[2.] To Make Laksa:
Heat water, spices, saline crystals and protein noodles in saucepan until ready to serve.
[3.] As few spices are readily available, your best bet is ionized and depleted bi-products from ship engines and/or condensations from the ship’s computer cooling arrays. There are many combinations of flavors to be found. Experiment!

Wash’s Tossed Salad
Salad fixings are hard to come by on a spaceship, but every now and then you can score
a crate of fresh vegetables. The salad recipe is simple but a pure delight compared to
the standard protein rations.

4 tomatoes
2 heads of lettuce
2 green peppers
1/2 red onion
1/2 c. mushrooms
2 tbsp rosemary

[1.] If you want to mix it up Wash style, put the ingredients in a crate and go to the helm of your ship. Take off.
[2.] Pull a Crazy Ivan (Wash’s favorite Reaver-aversion maneuver) and throw the ship into full burn. That ought to toss things up a bit. Serves 8 shaken up crew members.

Serenity Stew
Serenity Stew – a term applied either to the mix of various crew members’ dirty duds
right before laundry or a tasty recipe handed down from Mal’s mom and modified to the
crew’s tastes. To make the more appetizing of the two, combine the ingredients as directed below and serve pipin’ hot.

1 pack dried noodles (any variety)
1/4 c. red lentils
1/3 c. dried wakame seaweed
3 stock cubes (any flavor)
1/2 c. tinned sweet corn
1/2 c. dried mushroom slices
1 small tin tuna/salmon/snapper/what you can find
1/2 tsp. of salt, pepper, cinnamon, anise seed, chili powder, turmeric, mustard seed,
chives.
3 tbsp. sesame seeds
A lashing of soy sauce
A lashing of ale (not lager, real ale!)

[1.] Boil a medium-sized pan of water and add lentils; simmer for 25 minutes until well
softened.
[2.] Add stock cubes, seasonings, mushrooms and seaweed. Simmer for 10 minutes
until flavors are well absorbed.
[3.] Add noodles and simmer for 5 minutes.
[4.] Add everything else. Simmer an additional 15 minutes until stew has thickened.

Jayne’s Sweet Prosperity Pie
Jayne doesn’t actually cook this (or any) pie – but he will uncharacteristically share his
wealth after a prosperous job and splurge on a crate of apples for all to enjoy. As any
war veteran will tell you -– lest there be a grenade hidden inside, it’s best to gently cut the apples up and make this sweet treat instead.

1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. flour
3 tbs. butter (made while transporting herd of cows halfway across the ‘Verse)
1 c. water
2 tbsp. cornstarch
1/2 tbsp. cinnamon
apples (enough to fill a 8” pie shell)
1 pie shell
Not liking a delicate flaky crust, Jayne prefers this crumb topping: Combine 1/4 c. sugar, 1/2 c. flour and 3 tbs. butter until crumbly.

[1.] Boil sugar water, cornstarch and cinnamon until thick.
[2.] Peel and core apples into slices.
[3.] Put apples into pie shell and pour sugar mixture over apples.
[4.] Add everything else. Simmer and cover with crumb mixture and bake at 350
degrees for 35 to 40 minutes.